Monday musings :)

I don’t know why I didn’t get an entry done this weekend – theoretically, I should have MORE time during the weekend, not less. I’d like to think it’s because I was resting, but it certainly didn’t feel that way when our alarm went off at 4:30 this morning!

It’s been an interesting few days, and a couple things to share. First, I feel the need to apologize for not giving the proper perspective on our views of our adoption. It seems when I get all excited talking about using our embryos, it is almost as if we’ve given up on the adoption happening or like that would not be enough to grow our family. That’s not the case at all, but I think I had gotten human-focused instead of God-focused about our family, and then it is easy to see how I get more wrapped up in the embryos…because I have the misguided notion that I can control that working. I am really learning a lot about faith – and my ability to trust God in all things.

I can’t do anything about the adoption but pray. Interestingly, that was the exact same situation with John and Hallie’s health problems. For some reason, that was comforting to me with them and it is frustrating to me now. Maybe because I’ve had to confront that tough truth that God’s ways are not always our ways, and so I know that our desires and hopes for the adoption to work out may not be what God has in mind…just as our desires and hopes to use the embryos may not be what God has in mind. What I’m losing sight of is that if it is not what He has for us, He does have something where we can give Him glory just as we did with John and Hallie. And I’m losing sight of the fact that what I have right now (including being the mother of two beautiful angels) is more than enough to consider myself richly blessed.

I’ve spent the past few days being extremely impatient…Reagan has heard, “I want kids” more than he needs to hear. One of my dear friends down here is pregnant; she’s going to read this, so please know that I am THRILLED for you, Gretchen!!! That is a happy thing and I’m happy for them; it just made me impatient for myself. Over the past five years, I have had friends each year that I wanted to be pregnant with, to have our little ones born at the same time – instant best friends…or future spouses. Obviously, it’s never quite worked out and Gretchen and I had just had that conversation the week before, so I felt like she had advanced towards this happening and I hadn’t. Silly of me? Yes. Understandable? I think most women would say yes. I am so thankful to God for helping me realize where my brain was misfiring and for reminding me that He is in control of all of this and HE has a plan and HIS plans are best, and that HE works all things to HIS GOOD when we keep our focus on HIM.

Now, of course, I realize all this and then get the little attacks from Satan that try to distract me from the little blessings given from God. So many things happened today that tried to destroy my positive approach to the day. Reagan and I talked yesterday about the importance of making serving God our sole focus in each day, and Reagan called me out on my impatience and wanting something more than what I have in each day – how that discontentment muddies up everything in my life. I find that when I can quiet my head, I have underlying peace about the adoption. I find that when I can quiet my head, I hear God saying to focus on what is in front of me right now and trust Him with the future. I find that when I can quiet my head, I can live with the JOY and CONTENTMENT we all should have with God as the center of our lives…so please pray that I can continue tuning out the ‘junk’ and have the only noise I hear be my heart praising God.