Sunday, February 28, 2010

An update...finally!

Well, first we had my parents visiting and so I didn’t have the free time to blog. Then, we had computer difficulties last week, along with Reagan being out of the country for work. I tried to get on to write at the library, but they had the blog website blocked, so I apologize for such a long delay. I will say that for the rest of the semester, I imagine it will be hard for me to get on here every day as I had initially hoped. I am learning why SHSU recommends you take 9 hours as a full-time student; I am taking 12 hours and it is a bit overwhelming when a bunch of due dates hits all at once. Spring break is coming up soon, and I cannot wait!

I did want to get on here and fill you in on some things. First of all, I want to pay a little tribute to John & Hallie – today would have been their 10-month birthday. Already a little emotional about that, the tears did start to flow in church as the pastor talked about the meaning of a kiss – to show love and affection. We both got to give John a kiss on the forehead just moments before he passed away. Everyone always told us to ‘give Hallie some sugar’ – I would have loved to do that, but I did not get to kiss my precious Hallie until she had passed away. We were always so worried about infections with her (and rightfully so), and I knew I would just be sick if I thought that I ever gave her a germ. Her immune system was so weak because of her condition, and her skin was so porous, it just seemed we shouldn’t do more than hold her hand and stroke her hair. I remember once she passed away, I just kissed her precious forehead and hands over and over…something I had wanted to do for so long. I miss my little angels so much. I continue to think of them and be filled with such pride for how strong they were here on Earth.

Enough sad talk – now for some exciting news. Our meeting with the genetic counselor a few weeks ago went as well as could be expected. Basically, they think it is most likely that Hallie had one of those rare “1 in a million” type conditions, and there is no reason to think that future children would have the same problem. He said he would be more concerned about obstetric problems, and when I talked to my OB, she said that she thought the majority of our problems and why I delivered so prematurely was because I was carrying twins. When we do the frozen embryos, we would only do them one at a time. It decreases our likelihood of one actually implanting, but it eliminates the chance for us to have another high risk twin pregnancy in the future. We are very excited about the possibility of using those embryos.
The timeline in our mind is that our adoption contract runs out in August. We have several things going on in July in Illinois, and so we are thinking of trying the frozen embryo transfer in August. I have decided instead of pushing to finish all of my classes by the end of summer, I will slow down and take two this summer, leaving one to complete my certificate program in the fall. This will leave me a fairly relaxed schedule in the fall and we can try the embryos. Then, if they do not work, I can think about getting a job in the school district.
On top of all of that, we are hoping to get a call about a baby through the adoption agency. We do not see this as a one or the other thing. Our hope is to have an adopted child and a biological child and just whatever God gives us – the only change would be if we got a call to adopt twins, and then we may reconsider just how many kids we think we should be raising and can provide adequately for with me staying at home the first five years. We have great excitement about the embryos, but we also are very hopeful that an adoption will happen. We just know we have so much love to give, and we pray God will let us share it with children in our home.

God has also been talking a lot to me lately – it’s interesting to me how I am getting so much reading through the ‘boring’ part of the Bible in the laws. Also, Reagan and I are in an incredibly awesome Lifegroup at our church, and each Sunday has been giving messages that really strike home (the past two weeks have been talking about integrity). I’m running out of time, and so I’d like to give the core messages from all of it – to live in such close communion with God through constant prayer and time reading His Word that He is where I turn first when problems arise…and to obey all that He is telling me in all areas of my life. More later on all of that!

Sunday, February 14, 2010

My parents are on their way back to Illinois and spending the next few nights with us. I doubt I will get another 'real' post on until next weekend. I wanted to share that I was able to get the pictures that I asked the NICU nurses to take of one another yesterday. I was barely able to make it to my car before bursting into tears. I had one of my best cries in weeks. The nurses make good amateur photographers, and I am so glad to have such good pictures of the people who came to mean so much to me last year. One of my Friendship parents once said that if you loved his kids, then he was going to love you...that's kind of how I feel about those NICU nurses and doctors. They took care of my children in ways that I couldn't, and most of them did so not just in a professional manner, but in a personal, loving manner, and I will always love them for that. I cannot say enough good things about the people we met at the Woman's Hospital of Texas, and I will always thank God for bringing them into my life. While I didn't want to spend forever in the NICU, I do miss them as if they were my friends because they were part of my life for so long.

On this Valentine's day, I am obviously thankful to God for bringing me the love of my life in Reagan, and I am thankful that I get to celebrate the day of love with my parents. But I also want to take this day to say how amazingly blessed I have been with the people God has brought into my life over the years - friends that I couldn't have picked better for myself. From TN to IL to back to TN and now here in TX, God just always puts me with the best people, and I am so thankful that He shows His love for me by surrounding me with friends that are like family. I could not be more blessed! John and Hallie, I just wish you could have met them all, but I know you will someday. :)

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Keeping it real

I admire those people who keep up with writing these blogs daily – I guess I did it back when I had updates on John and Hallie. It’s interesting to me just how heavily I depended on the prayers of others at that time in my life…e-mailing everyone what was going on was my lifeline – the most important thing I did each day was to let people know how to specifically pray for my children. And I felt like it worked – I saw those prayers in action each day with Hallie, and I felt them when I was able to be calm in many storms. Prayer is such a powerful thing, and I am thankful God only makes that more of a reality as my life goes on. I’m not sure why I’m not quite as diligent in asking for prayers for myself, but here goes.

I have had one of those lovely weeks with God where I felt Him saying, “Kate, my stubborn child. Will you please finally put it all together this time?!” In my daily Bible readings, I was reading about the Israelites wandering in the desert. They would grumble against God and ask to go back to Egypt any time things got a little difficult. They would rather be in bondage than push through the unknowns to get to God’s wonderful promises. They would quickly forget all the things that were so awful in Egypt and only focus on what they had there. There were even a few that decided to try to claim the land God had for them, but they decided not to wait for God’s plan and try on their own…failing miserably. God got frustrated, God got angry, God gave consequences, and God demanded much sacrifice for their disobedience…but they did remain His chosen people that He loved. You have to figure the reason He had such strong reactions to their disobedience was because He loved them so much and wanted them to have His best, but they seemed intent on screwing that up.

Then on Tuesday morning, my weekly church study spent a fair bit of time on Romans 12:1 – it speaks to offering our bodies as a sacrifice to God – a holy, living sacrifice. We talked about laying our entire body on the altar so that God may have us completely and use us for His glory. Romans 12:2 then talks about renewing our minds – essentially making sure we are so focused on God that our thoughts are captive to Him and pleasing to Him as well.

Jeremiah 29:11 is a very famous verse…”For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’” Read on and you see when we find those plans – ‘when we seek Him with all our heart’ – I want to know the plans God has for me, and I believe I took steps this week to get there. PRAISE HIM!!

Monday, February 8, 2010

Monday musings :)

I don’t know why I didn’t get an entry done this weekend – theoretically, I should have MORE time during the weekend, not less. I’d like to think it’s because I was resting, but it certainly didn’t feel that way when our alarm went off at 4:30 this morning!

It’s been an interesting few days, and a couple things to share. First, I feel the need to apologize for not giving the proper perspective on our views of our adoption. It seems when I get all excited talking about using our embryos, it is almost as if we’ve given up on the adoption happening or like that would not be enough to grow our family. That’s not the case at all, but I think I had gotten human-focused instead of God-focused about our family, and then it is easy to see how I get more wrapped up in the embryos…because I have the misguided notion that I can control that working. I am really learning a lot about faith – and my ability to trust God in all things.

I can’t do anything about the adoption but pray. Interestingly, that was the exact same situation with John and Hallie’s health problems. For some reason, that was comforting to me with them and it is frustrating to me now. Maybe because I’ve had to confront that tough truth that God’s ways are not always our ways, and so I know that our desires and hopes for the adoption to work out may not be what God has in mind…just as our desires and hopes to use the embryos may not be what God has in mind. What I’m losing sight of is that if it is not what He has for us, He does have something where we can give Him glory just as we did with John and Hallie. And I’m losing sight of the fact that what I have right now (including being the mother of two beautiful angels) is more than enough to consider myself richly blessed.

I’ve spent the past few days being extremely impatient…Reagan has heard, “I want kids” more than he needs to hear. One of my dear friends down here is pregnant; she’s going to read this, so please know that I am THRILLED for you, Gretchen!!! That is a happy thing and I’m happy for them; it just made me impatient for myself. Over the past five years, I have had friends each year that I wanted to be pregnant with, to have our little ones born at the same time – instant best friends…or future spouses. Obviously, it’s never quite worked out and Gretchen and I had just had that conversation the week before, so I felt like she had advanced towards this happening and I hadn’t. Silly of me? Yes. Understandable? I think most women would say yes. I am so thankful to God for helping me realize where my brain was misfiring and for reminding me that He is in control of all of this and HE has a plan and HIS plans are best, and that HE works all things to HIS GOOD when we keep our focus on HIM.

Now, of course, I realize all this and then get the little attacks from Satan that try to distract me from the little blessings given from God. So many things happened today that tried to destroy my positive approach to the day. Reagan and I talked yesterday about the importance of making serving God our sole focus in each day, and Reagan called me out on my impatience and wanting something more than what I have in each day – how that discontentment muddies up everything in my life. I find that when I can quiet my head, I have underlying peace about the adoption. I find that when I can quiet my head, I hear God saying to focus on what is in front of me right now and trust Him with the future. I find that when I can quiet my head, I can live with the JOY and CONTENTMENT we all should have with God as the center of our lives…so please pray that I can continue tuning out the ‘junk’ and have the only noise I hear be my heart praising God.

Friday, February 5, 2010

Update on Kate, aka Stressed vs. Rest :)

Today, I’d like to start by sharing a little bit about how I’m doing right now – a wee bit stressed. I’m not sure it would be that bad, but let’s look at what I’ve done since I moved to Houston. I spent about 2 months unpacking and figuring out that I couldn’t get a job without going back to school for my counselor certificate. I found out that I’d be out-of-state tuition for a year, and so I only took one class, did a little volunteering and then a few months into this, we decided to do IVF. A few days after this process started, I was on bedrest with ovarian hyperstimulation. I got off bed rest long enough to gingerly do a few things, and then I started bleeding and was on the couch for the rest of the pregnancy. Then I spent four months going to the hospital twice a day, and then I spent another four months grieving and figuring out what to do next. Point being, taking four graduate classes, volunteering twice a week, doing Bible studies and getting involved with the ladies in my church (who are AWESOME!!), and keeping up the blog (which is wonderful for my love of writing and to keep people praying for us) is all a pretty big shift in my responsibilities. My brain loves it, but it is definitely taking a bit to adjust and not stress about things.

All of that is the backdrop for my true heart’s desire, which is to have more children. Everything I do is hard to fully embrace because what I want more than just about anything is to get a call from our adoption agency that God has a baby for us. That has not happened yet…obviously, this would be a very different post if it did! I am very encouraged about the possibility of trying to use our frozen embryos in the future, and so far, all of our questions are coming back with answers that suggest we should use them. Two things will influence that decision in the coming months – in two weeks, I go meet with the genetic counselor to find out what concerns they have (hopefully none too serious or any different than any other couple). Secondly would be my ability to take care of myself in a manner that suggests my body would be supportive of a singleton pregnancy. In May, I’ll probably meet with a different OB/GYN (see below on how much I loved Dr. Plummer, but I have decided I will probably start out with one of the high risk specialists where John and Hallie were born). In the meantime, I am trying to get my nutrition and weight stable, and I am also trying to improve my sleeping and resting habits…you know, work through those things that stress me out and get to a nice ‘chill’ place of trusting God completely in ALL areas. My devotional today had a pretty good mantra for all this – “Let Go, Let God” - I’ll keep you posted on how that works out for me in all areas. (I’m really good at giving 95% of my life over to God, and it all works out fine – not sure why I think I can do any better with that last 5%!)

Today, I’d also like to reflect a little bit on two very important women that came into my life last year at this time – Dr. Amy Plummer and her nurse, Brandy. When I started bleeding with the pregnancy, I was actually seeing a different doctor and was rather uncomfortable with the care I received in my 1st two visits; I felt like a number, not a high-risk pregnancy candidate which I was because of the twins and having done IVF. My amazing IVF doctor, Dr. Roach, had recommended Dr. Plummer, and one of my dear friends down here went to the other doctor in her practice, and so I decided to give her a try. The first thing I noticed about her was that she wore a cross around her neck; that can mean nothing or it can mean that she has a strong belief in the God I believe in. Thankfully, the latter was the case, and she became a reassuring presence throughout a difficult pregnancy. Brandy proved to be a Christian and a Godsend to me as well. I think I called her almost every single day with some question or worry, and she always answered them and didn’t make me feel stupid for some of the things I asked…and some of them were stupid! Plummer was the same way whenever I came in, and the thing I liked most about her was that she always took a minute with the ultrasound to just watch John and Hallie play and tell me how pretty they were. I know that after they were born, everyone in Dr. Plummer’s office (and her family) were praying for our babies, and I just thought that was awesome. When I went for my check-ups, her office was packed, and she took the time to talk, look at pictures, and give me the best hugs that were so needed in all that stress. Just as Dr. Roach and her nurses, Janna and Angela, had been through the IVF process, Dr. Plummer and Brandy were huge blessings and I truly believe one of the reasons God brought us to Houston was to have these doctors for this pregnancy.

Finally, I want to ask for continued prayer for the family of baby Sam. I mentioned him last Friday in my blog; he passed away that day and his parents are still going through a lot of grieving that I understand better than I wish that I did. They have other children, and the whole family is hurting a lot right now.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

A spunky Hallie story to start :)

Here I am again, and I think it is going to be really hard to write about our sweet Hallie. I love that little girl so much, and I want the world to know all about how amazing she was. She had so much spunk and spirit, and yet she also was the absolute sweetest little girl…and I know she was on painkillers all her life and that she never really got off her back, but any one who got to spend some time with her would agree with me about her beauty, her strength and her personality. I’m afraid I like that she showed her personality however she could, even if it was bad for her…when nurses would try to turn her on her side to prevent bedsores, she would have meltdowns in her vital statistics. I was kind of proud of her when she figured out she didn’t have to do that; she could just wait til the nurses left her alone and then wiggle her little self back to the position she liked. One of many, many things I loved about her! I’m sure she would have kept me busier than I can even imagine at home…and I would have thanked God for every little bit of it. I always tell my friends to cherish their children – even when they are being the most annoying child or screaming in the middle of that shopping mall – I would give anything for that with my Hallie…I miss her so.

There – I got my first Hallie story done. Hopefully, I’ll be able to do a better job sharing more about her as time goes on. I find after every story I tell that I feel that pain of something being ripped from me and have to go look at all of her pictures. I was so conscientious about ‘remembering’ with Hallie and each picture comes to life in my head. I love my memories of her and am so thankful God let me have so many of them. Understand when I talk about how hard it is to not have her here, there is an almost equal, if not greater, sense of sheer joy for the time I did have with her - and that is why I am able to praise God so greatly through it all!

Now, I also wanted to share two more things that I’m learning from my Bible readings. The first – have you ever noticed what screw-ups some of our Biblical giants of faith were? I mean, most of the time, they got it all right, but Moses and Abraham both had their moments of being big ‘fraidy cats’ and doing some pretty ‘bad in the eyes of God’ type things. And God chose to use them as examples of obedience and God allowed them to walk with Him, talk with Him, and God worked greatly through them. I guess my message would be that if they can do it, so can each of us!

And that fits with the other thing that has hit me as I struggle reading through the descriptions in Exodus about the tabernacle and the sacrifices (not quite as interesting as Joseph’s brothers selling him off into slavery!). I just read it and each day say “Thank you for Jesus!” We are so blessed that God loves us so much and gave His son as a sacrifice for our sins. Because of Jesus, we are just as able as Moses was to come into the presence of God daily through prayer. How AWESOME is that!!

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Back in the groove of praising a patient God

Okay, I am going to have to be a little better at time management to get on here daily. We had a wonderful time celebrating Mom & Dad's anniversary over the weekend, but it got me a little behind on my schoolwork and so I missed my daily entries! I have had so much I want to say in the past few days. Last night, I started writing just a ‘get to know me’ message, and I will get that up here soon. I also have promised to talk about my sweet Hallie, and I just don’t know where to begin with that precious girl – to share how amazing she was and how strong she was and how she showed God in so many ways to as many people as she possibly could. I want to continue reflecting on what God has taught me through them, and I want to share about what God is teaching me right now, and I guess that’s where I’ll go for the day to get back into some daily entries.

As I mentioned in my first post, Reagan and I are reading through the Bible this year and we are currently in Exodus. This morning, we were discussing the time when Moses went up on the mountain to get the Ten Commandments, and the people got restless because he was gone for ‘too long’ and they had Moses’ brother, Aaron, create a golden calf as an idol to worship. God was so frustrated with His people that He told Moses He was going to destroy them again, but Moses pleaded with God, and God showed the people mercy. Here are some of the things that we noticed in this story:

- God had JUST spoken the Ten Commandments to the people; they are eating and drinking based on miracles like bread from heaven and water from rocks, and yet, when God is not in their face, they turn to worry and seek a tangible god to worship
- God appears to ‘change His mind’ based on Moses’ pleading – but isn’t God unchanging? God promised Noah that He would never destroy the people again, so what is this story? If God knew He was going to spare the Israelites, then did Moses really need to plead with Him? Bringing this forward, if God is going to do what He’s going to do, then why do we need to pray for things?

How much are all of us like the Israelites in this story? I am confident that all of us have seen God work in mighty ways, and if you are a believer, you have recognized it as that – God’s awesome power in your life or the life of others. Reagan and I getting pregnant after all that time…and for things to go so smoothly with the IVF procedure. Then, we had our first little hiccup with ovarian hyperstimulation and I was forced to be on bedrest early on in the pregnancy. I am such a restless person, and yet I had no problem laying there on the couch for those babies – that was a miracle. The babies were miracles. Yet, when I started the bleeding with the pregnancy, my mind did not immediately go into ‘Trust in the Lord with all your heart” – instead, worries went through my head constantly and I did internet searches trying to get more information or explanations. I worried so much in those 12 weeks of on and off bleeding; the only thing that would calm me down was prayer and reading the Bible, but each day would take hours to get my head off worry and onto God.

I’m not proud of how I worried, but I do pray that I am less dense than the Israelites and have learned a lesson going forward. I like to think that I have at least a little bit, because I feel I ‘gave’ John and Hallie, Hallie especially, over to God and trusted His plans more. Whether it be a baby we have through adoption and/or using one of our frozen embryos, I do pray that I give ALL things over to God and trust His presence regardless of circumstances.

The second point that Reagan and I discussed in that story was God ‘changing His mind’ – I don’t think that happened as much as God was making a point through the story. I believe God knew He would not deliberately destroy the Israelites, and I believe this story gives us a chance to see the power in communicating with God. It encourages us to talk with Him and be a part of what He is doing. As Reagan asked, if we aren’t really changing the outcomes, then why is this necessary? And I think the obvious answer is it changes the outcomes for us because we see those outcomes as God at work. I think there is also the aspect that God wants us to share our lives with Him – He can know everything about it, but He WANTS a relationship with us and for us to be as intimate with Him as we are with our dearest friend. Amazing! But more than that, I think God gives us this opportunity to talk with Him so that we know what is happening is from God. How awesome is that – God allows us to be in such close relationship with Him, even after we screw up over and over again…He is always there waiting for us to share our hearts and to allow Him to reveal things in His perfect timing.

I really believe that God knows all. Psalm 139 tells us that “all the days are written in His book before one of them comes to pass.” Reagan struggled praying for Hallie after John passed away. He prayed believing in miracles for John to recover, and if God was going to do what He was going to do, what was the point in praying for healing that wouldn’t come? We know that John & Hallie were both prayed for more than we can even imagine, and that there were a lot of prayers that they would be healthy and happy children in our home someday. Why pray all those prayers if we both had a feeling that Hallie would be joining John sooner than we had wanted? I believe the answer is because it was our hearts and because in praying those prayers, when Hallie did pass away, I was filled with such peace that it was God’s plan. I had comfort knowing that Scripture – that God had planned her days as they were, and I had comfort knowing that He was in the final outcome. Because of the constant communication with God, I knew He was holding my children in His loving arms, and it also has allowed me to look back on their lives with a Godly perspective - looking to see how He was present with them all along. As I start to share more about sweet Hallie, you will see the relationship between our prayers and God at work, and it is just an awesome look at the power and love and miraculous nature of our wonderful God.

Hopefully, I will start Hallie time tomorrow. In the meantime, please be in prayer for us…we are praying for an adoption to happen in the coming months and we are also seriously considering using our frozen embryos as we get more and more information that supports doing so. I keep looking for this ‘lightning bolt’ sign, but God is not flashing the neon ‘use your embryos’ – but there is a noticeable lack of stop signs when we expect them. As we continue to pray, I do feel the discernment to make a clear decision will come and we appreciate your prayers as well. Some of you tease us that we will end up with a house full of children, and let me assure you, we won’t complain if that’s God’s plan as well…God’s plan being the key words there.