Exciting news!! :)

The past 24 hours have been absolutely amazing and I have got to share my excitement and hope - I am just unable to really concentrate on anything else today, so I might as well get on here and get more people praying for us.

Thursday is when I have my practicum, so I got home a little before 11 pm. I came up to check messages and visited my friends' blog - www.uandmeplusthree.com. David and Danyel are dear friends to us who have been married 15 years...always wanting children and never having any luck. They started the adoption process years ago and have faithfully waited on God's time and when I got home Thursday and pulled up their blog, I saw their first family picture with their 3 beautiful Brazilian children. It brought instant tears to my eyes and praise to my heart.

I have taken to spending time each morning writing a prayer journal about our hopes for more children, and Friday morning, this is what I wrote:

"God, thank you for D&D who show how powerful a testimony a successful adoption is and I pray our story will also speak to Your perfect timing and great love. God, I pray for our birthmother - Lord, please let her and her baby be healthy and may we shine Your love on them...You are GREAT & GOOD & LOVE & I cannot wait to share You as our journey continues."

Well, something came up as I was doing my actual Bible study later in the afternoon and I felt like I wasn't sharing God's goodness enough, so I got on my Facebook and wrote a post about David and Danyel and how awesome God is.

ONE MINUTE after posting that, my cell phone rang. It came up as "Restricted" - my IVF doctor and the adoption agency are the only 2 numbers that show up that way, and I got this incredibly excited feeling. It was our adoption agency and they had a potential situation for us. We have only gotten one other call and it was for a baby that would likely have neurological problems and we didn't pursue it because it was so soon after the twins.

This time, everything she said sounded great. Teen mom (my hope has always been able to help someone like the students I loved so much), lives in Texas, healthy, Caucasian (not that that really matters), and on and on with positive characteristics and wanting a stay-at-home mom. We said we'd love to talk with her and I suggested after 6 when Reagan was sure to be home.

We prayed and prayed and asked others to pray and were just so excited and around 6:30, she called and I felt like the conversation went GREAT! She said that she wanted to help us and she would tell Lifetime that she didn't want to speak to any more families. We talked about trying to meet her and the birthfather (who is supportive of the adoption) in 2 weeks - the 24th - and we said we would call her after we both talked with Lifetime and get that set up. Her due date is sometime in October...we are so excited!!

Actually, we are BEYOND EXCITED!! I just cannot stop praying for this to work out. It felt so good yesterday and I feel this lack of worry today about it all. Monday, Lifetime will call her and make sure she still wants to go ahead with us and then they will get in touch with us.

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE PRAY FOR THIS TO ALL WORK OUT. I would crash HARD if she changed her mind, and it really feels like this is God's work and just had such a good feeling talking with her. WE ARE SO EXCITED!! HOW GREAT IS OUR GOD!!

We also have put the embryo transfer thoughts on hold. We are 100% committed to this adoption happening and showering this baby with God's love (through us....and like the 1000s of other people praying). :) Hopefully, this all will work out and we will plan on having money set aside to be able to grow our family in a few years...most likely trying adoption again.

So, in case my caps didn't clue you in - two things to get from this:

1 - PRAY (please pray for the birthmom and birthfather to have peace about this decision, to stay with us if it is the right thing for us all, and for our meeting to go smoothly in a few weeks and start a great relationship and just add to our excitement).

2 - WE ARE EXCITED!! I am in awe of God yet again and His timing and His answers and His perfect plans for our lives.

Love you all!

Kate

OH - let me just say all the frustrations that come from waiting are so COMPLETELY WASHED AWAY in this excitement. I have continually recited Psalm 30 today - "Weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing will come in the morning...." and "You have turned my wailing into dancing"
OUR GOD IS AN AWESOME GOD!

Update!

Oh my goodness - I didn't realize the last time I was on here was the babies' birthday! I really have been gone awhile, haven't I? How funny that it was my birthday on Thursday that made me want to get back on here. I turned 35 on Thursday - that sounds old to me, but I really don't feel old...maybe because the thing I want for my adulthood - raising children - still alludes me.

I did have quite a moment on Thursday remembering my time with Hallie. I shed some tears for both babies, just wishing I had something to hold and remembering just how sweet it was to hold Hallie's hand and stroke her hair. My birthday last year is one of many awesome days in Hallie's story. I went in to the NICU determined to be positive - I had bought presents for the twins of my two best NICU friends and that made me happy to deliver those. I went back to see Hallie and she was in a bad spot with her swelling - so puffy, not able to open her eyes and numbers not so good. The doctor came back and painted a dire picture of the situation - basically, Hallie's numbers looked like she was entering kidney failure and that would 'eventually lead to her demise'. I remember wanting to tell the doctor that it was my birthday and if she could try to be more positive, it'd be a nice present. But instead I just focused in on my little girl. I had asked for big diapers as a birthday present and everyone was praying for those - and while I was there, the nurse changed a diaper with 85 ml of pee!!!! To put that in Hallie perspective, we'd been happy when she had diapers with 5-8 ml, so that was truly a miracle! She kept it up all day - I think she peed about 300 ml that day alone...it was amazing, and I knew it was all God answering our prayers for Hallie. The next day, when I got there, it was one of my favorite Hallie days ever. First, I got to share it with my sister-in-law, Brandy - I loved nothing more than getting to actually show off Hallie to others. And then, it was one of her most 'alive' days. She had figured out how to wiggle and scoot, so the nurse would position her and Hallie would start shaking her booty and pop out of her snuggly....it was the most adorable thing I've ever seen and I felt a little like it was my little girl saying, "I want to get out of here" and a little like she was playing - it was one of her spunkiest days. She was able to look at me and well, it was answered prayers all around. We came out of that day and had quite the roller coaster the rest of the holiday weekend, but that day was so good. God is AMAZING!!

And one reason I share that story is because it is such a testimony of how much the prayers for our family HELPED our family. We saw God working in Hallie, and we felt the power of prayer in being lifted up to God by so many voices. So PLEASE KEEP IT UP!! :) Here are the latest updates:

Happy Birthday!

Happy Birthday John & Hallie!! I can remember singing happy birthday to them when they were a week old...I remember because I forgot to sing to John and then that was the day of his surgery that went wrong, so when I went back I apologized to him. Even that memory feels like a good one today - I just love remembering them and all the ways we saw God in them. I am so thankful today has been a day of celebration in my mind and not a day of sadness - PRAISE GOD! He has given peace that surpasses understanding, and I just want to share it with the world because it is such a wonderful feeling.

I also want to say that one of the greatest legacies of John & Hallie were how they showed what Christian family is all about. The way that people rallied around us and prayed for John & Hallie was absolutely amazing and unexplainable without the love of Christ. The way people cared for us is not natural - people didn't even know us and they were loving us and cooking for us and praying for us - that bond that Christ gives us all and that love of God that resides within each Christian are both powerful things and we got to see just how amazing they are countless times over the past year. I praise God for each of you and am so thankful for the lessons we learned from John & Hallie and all of you about loving one another.

One sad thing is that you all did not get to meet our John & Hallie, but even that brings a smile to my face today because I know one day we will all be together and we will celebrate in the presence of God - how awesome that day will be!! And I love knowing they are already there in that perfect place with perfect 'bodies'....praise God!

Lots and lots of love!!

Well, it's almost here - tomorrow is John & Hallie's 1st birthday! Wow! The past few days have been full of such vivid flashbacks. This year, it's the days of the week that we associate everything with and so Sunday brought memories of going to the hospital with contractions and being released and not feeling right about that at all. In my counseling pre-practicum, we've been talking about how traumas are stored in the senses, and everything from TV shows to the weather are triggering memories. That Sunday, there was miscommunication and so I wasn't examined as thoroughly as I should have been...that factored into the problems on Monday because when I started having contractions early in the day, they didn't immediately bring me in because they thought I had checked out fine Sunday night. By the time they did get me in and examined on Monday night, not even the strongest meds were enough to stop the contractions fully - I say that, they were stopped when I left Kingwood but by the time I got to Women's, I was having regular contractions and John was nearly in the birth canal.

I'm human, and so I do remember all of this and "Why?" goes through my mind. Why didn't they check me out that Sunday? Why didn't I speak up and insist on it or ask more often if I could stay overnight or get checked out Monday? (I had an appt. set up for Tuesday morning - that's why no one thought it was urgent to get in Monday.) Why John & Hallie? Why do so many friends have healthy pregnancies and we're celebrating our babies by honoring their memories?

The beauty of God is that He is the answer to all the whys. Why do things happen - so that God can be glorified, and when I remember that, it all makes sense. I realize that God didn't just take John & Hallie, He gave us John & Hallie, and that's so beautiful to me. The way that everything happened, each day of their lives was so clearly a gift from God. We got to see so many miracles, and we have a son and daughter that we waited years for. We focused on God through it all and so we got to see God, feel His love for us and our children, see His miraculous power, experience the true meaning of Christian family, and have peace that transcends all understanding. We got an amazing opportunity to give God glory - it seems that would have been easier to do if John & Hallie had survived, but we got the opportunity to show how great we think God is in the midst of a tragedy. God is love, God is good - we got to see that in such mighty ways! We talked about perspective in my Sunday school class this week, and I love that God can turn my whys to praise in an instant. How GREAT IS OUR GOD!!!

John & Hallie's birthday is definitely a day for celebration and I hope that all of you will join us in celebrating them and how great our God is tomorrow and every day!

And their impact continues on - we raised over $900 this weekend in the March for Babies as Team John & Hallie, and God gave us a beautiful day to do it in. And in a week and a half, I'll be giving out the 1st two John & Hallie scholarships. Praise, praise, praise God. I cannot say enough how proud I am of the legacy that my two little ones will have for years and years to come. :)

There are two ways I could go today and I'm going to choose the positive one. I love God. I love that when I am thinking I should be allowed to be as mopey as possible, He kicks my behind and tells me to praise Him. I love that He reveals to me new insights each day and doesn't give up when I come to the same place again. I love that He is so much bigger than anything I can imagine, and I love that He is love and He is good.

This morning, I started feeling upset as I thought about this Tuesday, a year ago, which is when we found out I was in preterm labor. It's amazing how quickly life can change - a lesson we learned over and over again this past year. So while I was trying to figure out how many tears were in the ducts today, I realized that I didn't want to cry as John & Hallie's birthday approaches - I wanted to celebrate them. I wanted to give thanks for God's gift and for all the moments we did have with the two of them. I wanted to give thanks that I can still feel Hallie's peach fuzz and feel her squeeze my hand, and that I can still see John in my mind before he got so swollen. I have two amazing children, and I'm really hoping that this realization - that I can choose the emotions I feel when remembering them - will carry through and be a bit of the breakthrough I need. I'm finding myself feeling 'ready' for the world again, and it's been a long time since that was so true. Praise God!!

Disclaimer: If you know me or live around here, I'm not promising not to cry, still occasionally whine or have worries, but I am hopeful those will be fewer. As I was walking into my Bible study today, I was thinking of something in the complaining family and I realized that was a choice again - I'm really trying to turn my thoughts towards praise to God....wish me luck. :)

Another update

Hi All,

I'm back with just a little update - I may try to write a little each day this next few weeks as we spend quite a bit of time each day remembering where we were a year ago. Last year, this was the day I first felt a contraction - I didn't really know what was going on, but thought that something might be 'different'. Friends reassured me that there were some contractions common to pregnancy so not to worry, and I knew I would be seeing my doctor on Tuesday. I also could feel John & Hallie - those babies loved to kick each other and me, which was a constant joy and reassurance to me with everything else that went on with the pregnancy.

Couple of updates:

• Next week is the March for Babies at The Woodlands Church, Fellowship Campus. More information at http://www.marchforbabies.org/s_team_page.asp?SeId=1386226. You can make donations online or find out about the walk in your area.

• The first round of Clomid had no effect on my hormones. I was bummed about that but then had the BEST discussion with Dr. Roach about what's next. I LOVE HER!! We're trying a slightly higher dose of Clomid once and seeing if my body responds. If not, I will go on the birth control pills which is the prep step for doing our frozen embryo transfer in August...provided I'm a relaxed girl (more later on that). With our three embryos individually frozen, she thinks that at least two, if not all three, should make it...one at a time. :)

• Please be in prayer for my appt. with Dr. Hare on May 19th - this is a prepregnancy consultation with the high-risk OBs where I delivered. I am praying for optimistic news and she doesn't find anything to suggest we should not try the embryos.

• ADOPTION NEWS - well, no news is okay news right now. It gets frustrating some days, but I really believe God knows what He's doing and that His timing in all this will make sense to us - not just make sense to us, but move us to praise Him so loudly when we see how He worked in this. We have continued to do things the agency suggests, and a friend of mine has also suggested a local agency we might work with in the future. Right now, I am planning to finish up my schoolwork by August and it just feels like God might be waiting for me to get that out of the way so I can focus on our new children. :)

I love you all - thanks for your comments and the support you give on all of this stuff. :)

Happy Easter!

Happy Easter to everyone!!

I don't know if it's because of all we've been through this past year or because we are reading through the Old Testament or because we are talking about forgiveness in Sunday school, but my thankfulness for Jesus and God's amazing love is at an all-time high. I think if I could spend all day on my knees giving thanks, I would. :) I pray that all of you spend tomorrow rejoicing at God's mighty power and how He saved us all because He loves us that much. I can kind of identify with God and what it must have been like to watch his only Son suffer and die - God went through all of that for us - not because we deserved it, but because of His mercy and love. So AWESOME!!!!

A couple updates:

• We're trying to keep on keeping on with life - this month is a tough one as we remember where we were a year ago. At this time, it was all excitement and planning and in a couple weeks, that all changed. God has provided much to keep us busy so that we are not puddles of tears on a regular basis. Reagan's work has been a bit too busy the past few weeks and I'm hoping that'll get back to normal in a few days. I've been busy with projects in all four classes - trying not to let it stress me out. :)

• We remain optimistic about all our baby options - the only really new news is that my IVF doc had me try Clomid again and see if we can get pregnant without having to do the embryo transfer - what a MIRACLE that would be and we ask you all to pray for that possibility. We know God's promise that ALL things are possible with God.

• No new news on the adoption - we found out that our contract will probably be extended in August if we haven't matched and then there is an increased chance of getting a last minute baby. God only knows what will be coming of that...of all of it really - we just continue praying and hoping. :)

Okay, I'm a HUGE hoops fan and I think my West Virginia Mountaineers are needing my support. (The only team I got right in the brackets this year, but what a fun March Madness it has been!!)

Love you all and Happy Easter!

Kate

A year ago today...

Hi Everyone,

I just wanted to put a quick post on here today. A year ago today we found out that Hallie Reagan and Sara Elizabeth were going to be Hallie Sara and John Andrew! :) Both the doctor and ultrasound tech had both thought we were having two girls, but the ultrasound on March 24th showed that we were having a boy and a girl. It was such an amazing, happy time and the pictures we got that day are still some of my favorites. It is so nice to have memories that are all positive. This is also about the time that they were becoming really active - we also saw in that ultrasound John and Hallie kicking each other - it was the cutest thing to see them pushing off on each other. There was nothing I loved more than feeling them kick...although after about 30 minutes, I did start to get a little sore. ;) We have a precious picture from that day of Hallie punching me - they had so much spirit and that became even more apparent once they got out. Both of them were wiggle worms...I love those two so much!! God is so amazing!

God's Awesome Word! :)

I have a chronological Bible that Reagan and I are reading this year, and so the verses are a little jumbled at places – especially the Old Testament prophets and histories. Today, I was looking up one of my favorite passages in Isaiah, and after reading it, I flipped to the next page and it was a passage in Kings where the king is praising God for saving him from the grave – he declares he was saved to praise the Lord, and so that’s what I want to do right now by sharing what I read in Isaiah.

Isaiah 30: 15 – 26 says, (in my NIV Bible, this passage is in a section of Scripture labeled “Woe to the Obstinate Nation”)

This is what the Sovereign LORD, the Holy One of Israel, says:
“In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it.

You said, ‘No, we will flee on horses.’ Therefore, you will flee! You said, ‘We will ride off on swift horses.’ Therefore your pursuers will be swift! A thousand will flee at the threat of one; at the threat of five, you will all flee away, till you are left like a flagstaff on a mountaintop, like a banner on a hill.”

Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you; He rises to show you compassion. For the LORD is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for Him!

O people of Zion, who live in Jerusalem, you will weep no more. How gracious He will be when you cry for help! As soon as He hears, He will answer you. Although the LORD gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden no more; with your own eyes you will see them. Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you saying, This is the way; walk in it.” Then you will defile your idols overlaid with silver and your images covered with gold; you will throw them away like a menstrual cloth and say to them, “Away with you!”

He will also send you rain for the seed you sow in the ground, and the food that comes from the land will be rich and plentiful. In that day your cattle will graze in broad meadows. The oxen and donkeys that work the soil will eat fodder and mash, spread out with fork and shovel. In the day of great slaughter when the towers fall, streams of water will flow on every high mountain and every lofty hill. The moon will shine like the sun, and the sunlight will be seven times brighter, like the light of seven full days, when the LORD binds up the bruises of His people and heals the wounds He inflicted.


HOW AWESOME IS THAT!! For someone who has been reading the Old Testament and is humbled of how much like the Israelites I am, this Scripture just spoke so loudly of God’s love for His people, including me – and including all of you!! Clearly, Reagan and I are very much in a period of waiting right now with our plans for children – this Scripture spoke to that. Rarely does one passage really seem to hit EVERY area that I’m working on with God, but this one does it, and I hope it speaks to at least one thing going on in your lives today. We have such a compassionate Father who is just waiting for us all to turn to Him and seek Him as our strength to get through whatever we are facing. And when we do so, we will hear that small voice directing us. How AWESOME is that! When we do this, He will be so great that whatever we’ve put in front of him will be like garbage to us.

I just had this discussion with one of my best friends this week – I don’t think we have an “If I do this, then He’ll do that” God, but I do believe that if I am obedient, if I repent of my sins and take my refuge in Him alone, then I will see His blessings all around me – all the ‘junk’ gives me blinders, makes me choose things that are just simply less than His plans, and the part of all this that just amazes me is that He never stops waiting for me to wait solely on Him…when I make that decision, He is there with love and healing. Our God is such an AWESOME GOD!!

Thanks so much for praying!! Keep it up!

Well, I just want to thank everyone who prayed for me today because those prayers worked! Dr. Roach said that I was definitely not experiencing menopause and that I didn't have any cysts - my two big concerns, so these are huge praises! Unfortunately I also didn't have any estrogen. She put me on estrogen patches for 2 weeks, and hopefully, when I go back, they will be doing their job and we can try to get my body regulated again. Please pray that the patches do their trick - she also mentioned concern that I might have some scarring in my uterus if my estrogen levels had been low ever since the babies (I think it was more a gradual shutdown over the 4 months with Hallie, but please pray that everything is healthy to try again).

The 3rd answer to prayer in all of this is that I have felt a growing impatience that we were needing to wait to try our embryos in August - for so many reasons, this makes sense, but both Reagan and I want to know if we'll be able to have a baby. This definitely answers those prayers as we get to be more actively waiting by getting my body ready, and I'm excited about a step forward. Pray, pray, pray - that all of this will work out. Reagan and I pray daily and we are hoping that we are listening some while we talk with God and that we're following His will.

I want to say that this continues to all be IN ADDITION to adopting. There are so many birthmoms listed with our agency that mention wanting an adoptive family with other children, so we hope the birthmom that is right for us is out there and will understand that us having a child biologically would just be one more thing we offer her, and that in no way would this lessen the love we have for her child. Please continue praying for the adoption.

I fully believe this year will end and we will look back on the coming months and be like WOW - how GREAT is our God!! Please continue praying for the many ways God may grow our family so that you can be a part of His work in our lives!!

--

Now it's been awhile since I've shared a big Spiritual 'aha' but Reagan and I were reading Philemon last night (finished Proverbs and thought we'd start with the smallest book in the Bible). ;) Well, who would have thought such a profound revelation would come from such a random selection, BUT GOD knew where we needed to be. There is a verse where Paul talks about how sharing his faith has helped him develop a greater understanding of the knowledge of Christ - both Reagan and I realized that we had fallen off our diligence of sharing our faith. When I was daily sharing God's work in Hallie's life, MY relationship with the Lord was closer than ever. Lately, school has been taking priority - even when I read my Bible and devotionals, if I'm not sharing what God is teaching me, it affects my growth too. Reagan used to teach men's group in TN, and he has felt something major missing without that experience of sharing.

I'm telling you all that as one more thing to pray for our Christian walks, but I also share it because God didn't intend those words to just be applicable to Reagan and myself - ALL of us will be richly blessed as we share our faith with others - not only will we help them grow, but we will experience greater understanding and growth ourselves - how AWESOME is that!! God wants us as close to Him as is possible - hope that makes you feel extra loved today. :)

Spring break, spring break, wherefore art thou, Spring break?

My Spring break is just around the corner and I can’t wait! No big travel plans, and I still will have a lot of projects for my classes to work on, but I won’t have to go anywhere and that’ll be nice. A week of evenings at home with Reagan sounds pretty peaceful to me. Classes have been going well and I’ve been thankful for the distraction they provide.

I want to wait to write more tomorrow. I am meeting with my IVF doctor at 2 p.m. I did some lab tests yesterday, and we’re going to talk about what will be next for me. Reagan and I wish we could try the embryos right now and find out if they are going to work or not or what we’re doing for that…but it just makes sense to wait until August. Tomorrow will yield a lot more information whether my body is even going to be able to do the embryos. And I still start each day praying that we’ll get a phone call that our birthmom has picked us. We just are ready to know what God has for us next. Maybe it’s because it’s spring down here and you can’t go outside without seeing some mom in our neighborhood pushing a stroller. Visions of the double stroller I was hoping to be pushing feel like sugar plums dancing in my head, and I find that my three-layered wall that holds back my John & Hallie tears is down to just two layers these days. I’ve had a weekly sobbing fit twice since I last posted.

Now, I really am not all boo-hoo girl – I’m enjoying the fact that I can actually hit the golf ball in golf class with Reagan, I’m enjoying dating my husband – our movie dates and peaceful, quiet nights with our flannel blankies, I’m interested in what I’m learning in my classes, and I’m enjoying the volunteering that has come along with them. I am extraordinarily blessed with wonderful friends – whether it’s walks with my friend Gretchen, talks with my friends Kendra and Sara, trading e-mails with a whole lotta amazing women in Tennessee, going to Bible studies down here and having the BEST Life group one could ever envision, I have no shortage of people making me smile each day. And yet, I still feel something missing and I have to believe that is God saying there are kids still to come for Reagan and I.

My friend, Kendra, told me today to be optimistic about my appt. tomorrow, and then I read my devotional which said to pray with faith, not fear. I love nothing more than when I get the same message in multiple ways – it’s like God is fully aware that I am thick-headed and need the repetition. So in my daily Bible reading, I got to read Him telling Joshua three times to be ‘bold and courageous’ and ‘not to be afraid because the Lord is with him.’ Got it, God – You’re in control, not me….and I praise You, Lord, for that!

An update...finally!

Well, first we had my parents visiting and so I didn’t have the free time to blog. Then, we had computer difficulties last week, along with Reagan being out of the country for work. I tried to get on to write at the library, but they had the blog website blocked, so I apologize for such a long delay. I will say that for the rest of the semester, I imagine it will be hard for me to get on here every day as I had initially hoped. I am learning why SHSU recommends you take 9 hours as a full-time student; I am taking 12 hours and it is a bit overwhelming when a bunch of due dates hits all at once. Spring break is coming up soon, and I cannot wait!

I did want to get on here and fill you in on some things. First of all, I want to pay a little tribute to John & Hallie – today would have been their 10-month birthday. Already a little emotional about that, the tears did start to flow in church as the pastor talked about the meaning of a kiss – to show love and affection. We both got to give John a kiss on the forehead just moments before he passed away. Everyone always told us to ‘give Hallie some sugar’ – I would have loved to do that, but I did not get to kiss my precious Hallie until she had passed away. We were always so worried about infections with her (and rightfully so), and I knew I would just be sick if I thought that I ever gave her a germ. Her immune system was so weak because of her condition, and her skin was so porous, it just seemed we shouldn’t do more than hold her hand and stroke her hair. I remember once she passed away, I just kissed her precious forehead and hands over and over…something I had wanted to do for so long. I miss my little angels so much. I continue to think of them and be filled with such pride for how strong they were here on Earth.

Enough sad talk – now for some exciting news. Our meeting with the genetic counselor a few weeks ago went as well as could be expected. Basically, they think it is most likely that Hallie had one of those rare “1 in a million” type conditions, and there is no reason to think that future children would have the same problem. He said he would be more concerned about obstetric problems, and when I talked to my OB, she said that she thought the majority of our problems and why I delivered so prematurely was because I was carrying twins. When we do the frozen embryos, we would only do them one at a time. It decreases our likelihood of one actually implanting, but it eliminates the chance for us to have another high risk twin pregnancy in the future. We are very excited about the possibility of using those embryos.
The timeline in our mind is that our adoption contract runs out in August. We have several things going on in July in Illinois, and so we are thinking of trying the frozen embryo transfer in August. I have decided instead of pushing to finish all of my classes by the end of summer, I will slow down and take two this summer, leaving one to complete my certificate program in the fall. This will leave me a fairly relaxed schedule in the fall and we can try the embryos. Then, if they do not work, I can think about getting a job in the school district.
On top of all of that, we are hoping to get a call about a baby through the adoption agency. We do not see this as a one or the other thing. Our hope is to have an adopted child and a biological child and just whatever God gives us – the only change would be if we got a call to adopt twins, and then we may reconsider just how many kids we think we should be raising and can provide adequately for with me staying at home the first five years. We have great excitement about the embryos, but we also are very hopeful that an adoption will happen. We just know we have so much love to give, and we pray God will let us share it with children in our home.

God has also been talking a lot to me lately – it’s interesting to me how I am getting so much reading through the ‘boring’ part of the Bible in the laws. Also, Reagan and I are in an incredibly awesome Lifegroup at our church, and each Sunday has been giving messages that really strike home (the past two weeks have been talking about integrity). I’m running out of time, and so I’d like to give the core messages from all of it – to live in such close communion with God through constant prayer and time reading His Word that He is where I turn first when problems arise…and to obey all that He is telling me in all areas of my life. More later on all of that!

My parents are on their way back to Illinois and spending the next few nights with us. I doubt I will get another 'real' post on until next weekend. I wanted to share that I was able to get the pictures that I asked the NICU nurses to take of one another yesterday. I was barely able to make it to my car before bursting into tears. I had one of my best cries in weeks. The nurses make good amateur photographers, and I am so glad to have such good pictures of the people who came to mean so much to me last year. One of my Friendship parents once said that if you loved his kids, then he was going to love you...that's kind of how I feel about those NICU nurses and doctors. They took care of my children in ways that I couldn't, and most of them did so not just in a professional manner, but in a personal, loving manner, and I will always love them for that. I cannot say enough good things about the people we met at the Woman's Hospital of Texas, and I will always thank God for bringing them into my life. While I didn't want to spend forever in the NICU, I do miss them as if they were my friends because they were part of my life for so long.

On this Valentine's day, I am obviously thankful to God for bringing me the love of my life in Reagan, and I am thankful that I get to celebrate the day of love with my parents. But I also want to take this day to say how amazingly blessed I have been with the people God has brought into my life over the years - friends that I couldn't have picked better for myself. From TN to IL to back to TN and now here in TX, God just always puts me with the best people, and I am so thankful that He shows His love for me by surrounding me with friends that are like family. I could not be more blessed! John and Hallie, I just wish you could have met them all, but I know you will someday. :)

Keeping it real

I admire those people who keep up with writing these blogs daily – I guess I did it back when I had updates on John and Hallie. It’s interesting to me just how heavily I depended on the prayers of others at that time in my life…e-mailing everyone what was going on was my lifeline – the most important thing I did each day was to let people know how to specifically pray for my children. And I felt like it worked – I saw those prayers in action each day with Hallie, and I felt them when I was able to be calm in many storms. Prayer is such a powerful thing, and I am thankful God only makes that more of a reality as my life goes on. I’m not sure why I’m not quite as diligent in asking for prayers for myself, but here goes.

I have had one of those lovely weeks with God where I felt Him saying, “Kate, my stubborn child. Will you please finally put it all together this time?!” In my daily Bible readings, I was reading about the Israelites wandering in the desert. They would grumble against God and ask to go back to Egypt any time things got a little difficult. They would rather be in bondage than push through the unknowns to get to God’s wonderful promises. They would quickly forget all the things that were so awful in Egypt and only focus on what they had there. There were even a few that decided to try to claim the land God had for them, but they decided not to wait for God’s plan and try on their own…failing miserably. God got frustrated, God got angry, God gave consequences, and God demanded much sacrifice for their disobedience…but they did remain His chosen people that He loved. You have to figure the reason He had such strong reactions to their disobedience was because He loved them so much and wanted them to have His best, but they seemed intent on screwing that up.

Then on Tuesday morning, my weekly church study spent a fair bit of time on Romans 12:1 – it speaks to offering our bodies as a sacrifice to God – a holy, living sacrifice. We talked about laying our entire body on the altar so that God may have us completely and use us for His glory. Romans 12:2 then talks about renewing our minds – essentially making sure we are so focused on God that our thoughts are captive to Him and pleasing to Him as well.

Jeremiah 29:11 is a very famous verse…”For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’” Read on and you see when we find those plans – ‘when we seek Him with all our heart’ – I want to know the plans God has for me, and I believe I took steps this week to get there. PRAISE HIM!!

Monday musings :)

I don’t know why I didn’t get an entry done this weekend – theoretically, I should have MORE time during the weekend, not less. I’d like to think it’s because I was resting, but it certainly didn’t feel that way when our alarm went off at 4:30 this morning!

It’s been an interesting few days, and a couple things to share. First, I feel the need to apologize for not giving the proper perspective on our views of our adoption. It seems when I get all excited talking about using our embryos, it is almost as if we’ve given up on the adoption happening or like that would not be enough to grow our family. That’s not the case at all, but I think I had gotten human-focused instead of God-focused about our family, and then it is easy to see how I get more wrapped up in the embryos…because I have the misguided notion that I can control that working. I am really learning a lot about faith – and my ability to trust God in all things.

I can’t do anything about the adoption but pray. Interestingly, that was the exact same situation with John and Hallie’s health problems. For some reason, that was comforting to me with them and it is frustrating to me now. Maybe because I’ve had to confront that tough truth that God’s ways are not always our ways, and so I know that our desires and hopes for the adoption to work out may not be what God has in mind…just as our desires and hopes to use the embryos may not be what God has in mind. What I’m losing sight of is that if it is not what He has for us, He does have something where we can give Him glory just as we did with John and Hallie. And I’m losing sight of the fact that what I have right now (including being the mother of two beautiful angels) is more than enough to consider myself richly blessed.

I’ve spent the past few days being extremely impatient…Reagan has heard, “I want kids” more than he needs to hear. One of my dear friends down here is pregnant; she’s going to read this, so please know that I am THRILLED for you, Gretchen!!! That is a happy thing and I’m happy for them; it just made me impatient for myself. Over the past five years, I have had friends each year that I wanted to be pregnant with, to have our little ones born at the same time – instant best friends…or future spouses. Obviously, it’s never quite worked out and Gretchen and I had just had that conversation the week before, so I felt like she had advanced towards this happening and I hadn’t. Silly of me? Yes. Understandable? I think most women would say yes. I am so thankful to God for helping me realize where my brain was misfiring and for reminding me that He is in control of all of this and HE has a plan and HIS plans are best, and that HE works all things to HIS GOOD when we keep our focus on HIM.

Now, of course, I realize all this and then get the little attacks from Satan that try to distract me from the little blessings given from God. So many things happened today that tried to destroy my positive approach to the day. Reagan and I talked yesterday about the importance of making serving God our sole focus in each day, and Reagan called me out on my impatience and wanting something more than what I have in each day – how that discontentment muddies up everything in my life. I find that when I can quiet my head, I have underlying peace about the adoption. I find that when I can quiet my head, I hear God saying to focus on what is in front of me right now and trust Him with the future. I find that when I can quiet my head, I can live with the JOY and CONTENTMENT we all should have with God as the center of our lives…so please pray that I can continue tuning out the ‘junk’ and have the only noise I hear be my heart praising God.

Update on Kate, aka Stressed vs. Rest :)

Today, I’d like to start by sharing a little bit about how I’m doing right now – a wee bit stressed. I’m not sure it would be that bad, but let’s look at what I’ve done since I moved to Houston. I spent about 2 months unpacking and figuring out that I couldn’t get a job without going back to school for my counselor certificate. I found out that I’d be out-of-state tuition for a year, and so I only took one class, did a little volunteering and then a few months into this, we decided to do IVF. A few days after this process started, I was on bedrest with ovarian hyperstimulation. I got off bed rest long enough to gingerly do a few things, and then I started bleeding and was on the couch for the rest of the pregnancy. Then I spent four months going to the hospital twice a day, and then I spent another four months grieving and figuring out what to do next. Point being, taking four graduate classes, volunteering twice a week, doing Bible studies and getting involved with the ladies in my church (who are AWESOME!!), and keeping up the blog (which is wonderful for my love of writing and to keep people praying for us) is all a pretty big shift in my responsibilities. My brain loves it, but it is definitely taking a bit to adjust and not stress about things.

All of that is the backdrop for my true heart’s desire, which is to have more children. Everything I do is hard to fully embrace because what I want more than just about anything is to get a call from our adoption agency that God has a baby for us. That has not happened yet…obviously, this would be a very different post if it did! I am very encouraged about the possibility of trying to use our frozen embryos in the future, and so far, all of our questions are coming back with answers that suggest we should use them. Two things will influence that decision in the coming months – in two weeks, I go meet with the genetic counselor to find out what concerns they have (hopefully none too serious or any different than any other couple). Secondly would be my ability to take care of myself in a manner that suggests my body would be supportive of a singleton pregnancy. In May, I’ll probably meet with a different OB/GYN (see below on how much I loved Dr. Plummer, but I have decided I will probably start out with one of the high risk specialists where John and Hallie were born). In the meantime, I am trying to get my nutrition and weight stable, and I am also trying to improve my sleeping and resting habits…you know, work through those things that stress me out and get to a nice ‘chill’ place of trusting God completely in ALL areas. My devotional today had a pretty good mantra for all this – “Let Go, Let God” - I’ll keep you posted on how that works out for me in all areas. (I’m really good at giving 95% of my life over to God, and it all works out fine – not sure why I think I can do any better with that last 5%!)

Today, I’d also like to reflect a little bit on two very important women that came into my life last year at this time – Dr. Amy Plummer and her nurse, Brandy. When I started bleeding with the pregnancy, I was actually seeing a different doctor and was rather uncomfortable with the care I received in my 1st two visits; I felt like a number, not a high-risk pregnancy candidate which I was because of the twins and having done IVF. My amazing IVF doctor, Dr. Roach, had recommended Dr. Plummer, and one of my dear friends down here went to the other doctor in her practice, and so I decided to give her a try. The first thing I noticed about her was that she wore a cross around her neck; that can mean nothing or it can mean that she has a strong belief in the God I believe in. Thankfully, the latter was the case, and she became a reassuring presence throughout a difficult pregnancy. Brandy proved to be a Christian and a Godsend to me as well. I think I called her almost every single day with some question or worry, and she always answered them and didn’t make me feel stupid for some of the things I asked…and some of them were stupid! Plummer was the same way whenever I came in, and the thing I liked most about her was that she always took a minute with the ultrasound to just watch John and Hallie play and tell me how pretty they were. I know that after they were born, everyone in Dr. Plummer’s office (and her family) were praying for our babies, and I just thought that was awesome. When I went for my check-ups, her office was packed, and she took the time to talk, look at pictures, and give me the best hugs that were so needed in all that stress. Just as Dr. Roach and her nurses, Janna and Angela, had been through the IVF process, Dr. Plummer and Brandy were huge blessings and I truly believe one of the reasons God brought us to Houston was to have these doctors for this pregnancy.

Finally, I want to ask for continued prayer for the family of baby Sam. I mentioned him last Friday in my blog; he passed away that day and his parents are still going through a lot of grieving that I understand better than I wish that I did. They have other children, and the whole family is hurting a lot right now.

A spunky Hallie story to start :)

Here I am again, and I think it is going to be really hard to write about our sweet Hallie. I love that little girl so much, and I want the world to know all about how amazing she was. She had so much spunk and spirit, and yet she also was the absolute sweetest little girl…and I know she was on painkillers all her life and that she never really got off her back, but any one who got to spend some time with her would agree with me about her beauty, her strength and her personality. I’m afraid I like that she showed her personality however she could, even if it was bad for her…when nurses would try to turn her on her side to prevent bedsores, she would have meltdowns in her vital statistics. I was kind of proud of her when she figured out she didn’t have to do that; she could just wait til the nurses left her alone and then wiggle her little self back to the position she liked. One of many, many things I loved about her! I’m sure she would have kept me busier than I can even imagine at home…and I would have thanked God for every little bit of it. I always tell my friends to cherish their children – even when they are being the most annoying child or screaming in the middle of that shopping mall – I would give anything for that with my Hallie…I miss her so.

There – I got my first Hallie story done. Hopefully, I’ll be able to do a better job sharing more about her as time goes on. I find after every story I tell that I feel that pain of something being ripped from me and have to go look at all of her pictures. I was so conscientious about ‘remembering’ with Hallie and each picture comes to life in my head. I love my memories of her and am so thankful God let me have so many of them. Understand when I talk about how hard it is to not have her here, there is an almost equal, if not greater, sense of sheer joy for the time I did have with her - and that is why I am able to praise God so greatly through it all!

Now, I also wanted to share two more things that I’m learning from my Bible readings. The first – have you ever noticed what screw-ups some of our Biblical giants of faith were? I mean, most of the time, they got it all right, but Moses and Abraham both had their moments of being big ‘fraidy cats’ and doing some pretty ‘bad in the eyes of God’ type things. And God chose to use them as examples of obedience and God allowed them to walk with Him, talk with Him, and God worked greatly through them. I guess my message would be that if they can do it, so can each of us!

And that fits with the other thing that has hit me as I struggle reading through the descriptions in Exodus about the tabernacle and the sacrifices (not quite as interesting as Joseph’s brothers selling him off into slavery!). I just read it and each day say “Thank you for Jesus!” We are so blessed that God loves us so much and gave His son as a sacrifice for our sins. Because of Jesus, we are just as able as Moses was to come into the presence of God daily through prayer. How AWESOME is that!!

Back in the groove of praising a patient God

Okay, I am going to have to be a little better at time management to get on here daily. We had a wonderful time celebrating Mom & Dad's anniversary over the weekend, but it got me a little behind on my schoolwork and so I missed my daily entries! I have had so much I want to say in the past few days. Last night, I started writing just a ‘get to know me’ message, and I will get that up here soon. I also have promised to talk about my sweet Hallie, and I just don’t know where to begin with that precious girl – to share how amazing she was and how strong she was and how she showed God in so many ways to as many people as she possibly could. I want to continue reflecting on what God has taught me through them, and I want to share about what God is teaching me right now, and I guess that’s where I’ll go for the day to get back into some daily entries.

As I mentioned in my first post, Reagan and I are reading through the Bible this year and we are currently in Exodus. This morning, we were discussing the time when Moses went up on the mountain to get the Ten Commandments, and the people got restless because he was gone for ‘too long’ and they had Moses’ brother, Aaron, create a golden calf as an idol to worship. God was so frustrated with His people that He told Moses He was going to destroy them again, but Moses pleaded with God, and God showed the people mercy. Here are some of the things that we noticed in this story:

- God had JUST spoken the Ten Commandments to the people; they are eating and drinking based on miracles like bread from heaven and water from rocks, and yet, when God is not in their face, they turn to worry and seek a tangible god to worship
- God appears to ‘change His mind’ based on Moses’ pleading – but isn’t God unchanging? God promised Noah that He would never destroy the people again, so what is this story? If God knew He was going to spare the Israelites, then did Moses really need to plead with Him? Bringing this forward, if God is going to do what He’s going to do, then why do we need to pray for things?

How much are all of us like the Israelites in this story? I am confident that all of us have seen God work in mighty ways, and if you are a believer, you have recognized it as that – God’s awesome power in your life or the life of others. Reagan and I getting pregnant after all that time…and for things to go so smoothly with the IVF procedure. Then, we had our first little hiccup with ovarian hyperstimulation and I was forced to be on bedrest early on in the pregnancy. I am such a restless person, and yet I had no problem laying there on the couch for those babies – that was a miracle. The babies were miracles. Yet, when I started the bleeding with the pregnancy, my mind did not immediately go into ‘Trust in the Lord with all your heart” – instead, worries went through my head constantly and I did internet searches trying to get more information or explanations. I worried so much in those 12 weeks of on and off bleeding; the only thing that would calm me down was prayer and reading the Bible, but each day would take hours to get my head off worry and onto God.

I’m not proud of how I worried, but I do pray that I am less dense than the Israelites and have learned a lesson going forward. I like to think that I have at least a little bit, because I feel I ‘gave’ John and Hallie, Hallie especially, over to God and trusted His plans more. Whether it be a baby we have through adoption and/or using one of our frozen embryos, I do pray that I give ALL things over to God and trust His presence regardless of circumstances.

The second point that Reagan and I discussed in that story was God ‘changing His mind’ – I don’t think that happened as much as God was making a point through the story. I believe God knew He would not deliberately destroy the Israelites, and I believe this story gives us a chance to see the power in communicating with God. It encourages us to talk with Him and be a part of what He is doing. As Reagan asked, if we aren’t really changing the outcomes, then why is this necessary? And I think the obvious answer is it changes the outcomes for us because we see those outcomes as God at work. I think there is also the aspect that God wants us to share our lives with Him – He can know everything about it, but He WANTS a relationship with us and for us to be as intimate with Him as we are with our dearest friend. Amazing! But more than that, I think God gives us this opportunity to talk with Him so that we know what is happening is from God. How awesome is that – God allows us to be in such close relationship with Him, even after we screw up over and over again…He is always there waiting for us to share our hearts and to allow Him to reveal things in His perfect timing.

I really believe that God knows all. Psalm 139 tells us that “all the days are written in His book before one of them comes to pass.” Reagan struggled praying for Hallie after John passed away. He prayed believing in miracles for John to recover, and if God was going to do what He was going to do, what was the point in praying for healing that wouldn’t come? We know that John & Hallie were both prayed for more than we can even imagine, and that there were a lot of prayers that they would be healthy and happy children in our home someday. Why pray all those prayers if we both had a feeling that Hallie would be joining John sooner than we had wanted? I believe the answer is because it was our hearts and because in praying those prayers, when Hallie did pass away, I was filled with such peace that it was God’s plan. I had comfort knowing that Scripture – that God had planned her days as they were, and I had comfort knowing that He was in the final outcome. Because of the constant communication with God, I knew He was holding my children in His loving arms, and it also has allowed me to look back on their lives with a Godly perspective - looking to see how He was present with them all along. As I start to share more about sweet Hallie, you will see the relationship between our prayers and God at work, and it is just an awesome look at the power and love and miraculous nature of our wonderful God.

Hopefully, I will start Hallie time tomorrow. In the meantime, please be in prayer for us…we are praying for an adoption to happen in the coming months and we are also seriously considering using our frozen embryos as we get more and more information that supports doing so. I keep looking for this ‘lightning bolt’ sign, but God is not flashing the neon ‘use your embryos’ – but there is a noticeable lack of stop signs when we expect them. As we continue to pray, I do feel the discernment to make a clear decision will come and we appreciate your prayers as well. Some of you tease us that we will end up with a house full of children, and let me assure you, we won’t complain if that’s God’s plan as well…God’s plan being the key words there.

A short one today

Hi everyone,

I was all excited to tell you all about our Hallie today, but time is just not allowing it. Exactly 5 months ago today, our sweet Hallie went to be with Jesus and her big brother in heaven...it seemed a perfect time to tell you about how amazing our little girl was and about how we saw God so much through her life. (Incidentally, I was never a girl that liked pink - too frilly for me and I told everyone Hallie wouldn't wear a lot of too cutesie pink stuff. Well, almost every blanket she had was pink, I bought pink things for her, and I LOVED to see my pink baby in pink - she was so girlie and I LOVED it!! I chose the pink backdrop on this page in honor of her.)

Today is also my Mom & Dad's 44th wedding anniversary, and Reagan and I are getting ready to pay them a visit. (They are vacationing in Port Aransas, about a 4 hour drive from us.) We are leaving in about an hour and I have laundry to get ready and packing to do, so I will keep this short today and hope to get back to share about Hallie on Sunday.

I want to share three quick notes on this day - the first is one of the main things we learned from our precious John's life. We really saw that you never know what life will bring and you have to treasure each moment you are given and make the most of your time with those you love. John's short life had a tremendous positive impact on the quality of our time with Hallie, and we are forever thankful for the influence that he had over us. We interacted with her so much more, and we have so many positive memories to hold on to thanks to John.

The second quick note is when I think about Hallie's last day, I am overwhelmed by the peace God gave us, by the truth in the Scripture that God doesn't give you more than you can handle, and by the joy I now feel knowing that Hallie is whole and healthy in the presence of God. There is just too much to share here and I will try to do it justice in a few days.

The third is a 'moving forward' note - the genetic variant that Hallie had showed up in Reagan's chromosomes as well, which means it was probably a normal variant and not the reason she died. We are meeting with a genetic counselor on Feb. 18th to find out more, but right now, it looks like Hallie's condition was not genetic and that is GREAT news!!

In the meantime, please pray for Sam Owens and Kayleigh Gurzinski. Hallie was on a prayer list with these two precious ones. Sam appears to have some internal bleeding and his parents may have to make some difficult decisions if his condition does not improve. Judging from her mother's posts, Kayleigh would have been Hallie's best friend - they would have danced together and partied in pink all the time...she is having a lot of GI problems and may have an infection to deal with on top of all that, so please pray for these two precious children of God and their families.

A look at the life of John Andrew :)

Okay, Day 2 just happens to be what would have been John and Hallie’s 9 month birthday, so I thought I’d talk a little bit about my sweet babies today. Most of you will know all of this but take a moment to remember them with me if you don’t mind.

I had a very difficult 2nd trimester, bleeding on and off. Nearly every week, I had an ultrasound and was comforted to see that my babies were looking beautiful, very active in the womb, and developing right on schedule. Well, John apparently didn’t think he needed to wait to come into the world. Hallie had always been the leader baby (low one that would come out first) but in April, John started trying to switch that around and I think that repositioning is what caused the preterm labor. I started having contractions around April 21st. I was sent home with a contraction monitor and my mother came down to take care of me, but a week later, the contractions weren’t slowing and when we went back to the hospital, I was dilated to 5 cm.

On April 28th, at 1:37 a.m. and 1:38 a.m., John Andrew and Hallie Sara Kinser came into this world. They were so tiny and yet so perfect. Both had Apgar scores of 7 at 1 minute and 8 at 5 minutes. I heard that and felt very hopeful about their health. John didn’t cry, but Hallie had quite the squall even with her undeveloped lungs. It was her way of letting us know that she was NOT happy with her brother and she would have been very content staying inside Mommy for another 4 months. I was just amazed – you see these 2-D black and white, grainy images on an ultrasound and wonder what in the world the babies will look like coming out so early. They looked perfect and so beautiful. Perfectly formed little hands and little toes just amazed me. I was concerned as I saw their little eyes and ears were not fully developed, but was reassured that would happen in time. They were each 1 pound, 6 ounces (well, Hallie was 6.5 ounces) and just now in getting their medical records, we found out that they were 12 inches long (technically, John was 31 cm which put him a little bit longer than Hallie). They were so beautiful…and so scary. I mean, they were so tiny and looked so fragile and so vulnerable for this big world.

Anyway, let me start by telling you about our precious John. He proved why he was ready to come into this world by moving so much quicker than Hallie that first week. Before we knew it, he was peeing up a storm – nurses would roll their eyes about how much he was peeing, and everyone told us what a good sign this was. He got off his blood pressure medicine in a few days, and we all loved to go visit him and see him flail around – arms and legs going everywhere…I loved it until I started worrying about him pulling out his wires and tubes, but he never did. We were sure he would be coming home long before Hallie because his lungs appeared remarkably strong. He was breathing so well that after just one week, they took him off the ventilator. He had some apnea and bradycardia episodes, but for one day, he did as well as anyone could have possibly expected, and we were all amazed by him. Both Reagan and I got a little nervous to watch his little body take the breaths – he was just so tiny and it looked like such hard work to breathe. Nurses who had Hallie would shake their heads about her but try to make us feel better by talking about how well John was doing. We took one picture of John, but we just stood back most of the time – excited about how well he was doing and assuming we would have lots of time for better pictures and to touch and hold him.

And that was Week 1. I sang “Happy 1 Week Birthday” to Hallie, but I forgot to with John and figured I would do it when I visited him at night. Mom got a real kick out of the fact they put John on a CPAP machine…just like his grandma, to help with the breathing. About 5 pm, I got a phone call from the surgeon that John was going to need a routine surgery where they take out a small section of intestine. Remarkably, I remember not worrying too much. I loved the surgeon and had such faith any time he was involved in something with our children…Dr. Bloss is clearly a strong Christian and I just always felt that God was with him in all he did with our babies. Well, we didn’t hear anything and Reagan and I headed back down to see the twins that night when we get a call that the surgery had gone well, but they discovered that John’s liver was bleeding and there was no way to stop that – it wasn’t like they could stitch it up or anything. This was serious and prayer was the only thing we could do…so we prayed there in the car and texted/called/had mom e-mail everyone we could think of to pray as well.

We spent an hour with Hallie and then the doctor came over to talk with us about John – it was serious and much to be concerned about. They were giving him transfusions and did not think the bleeding had stopped. His blood pressure had dropped dramatically and heart rate skyrocketed, and he had stopped making urine. The next 48 hours were critical in terms of kidney function and if he did not start peeing by then, there was no hope. Dr. Thompson is a wonderful, brilliant woman, but there is no mixing words with her – she tells you straight what you have to be concerned about and she did a good job making us realize just how serious little John was. She let us go back to see him and it was a horrid sight, and yet, the doctor was encouraged because his blood pressure and heart rate were much more acceptable than they had been when she had started talking with us. He had 11 blood transfusions in the next 8 hours and fairly steadily needed some sort of blood product for the rest of his days. He was put back on paralytic medicine, and we really never saw him active except for a few moments every now and then when one dose of the medicine was wearing off. We were kind of okay with that since we knew he must be in some pain.

The next morning when Mom and I went to visit him, our beloved nurse, Cassie, simply told us that he was a very sick boy. He was not peeing and they were not sure about how his liver was doing. Next day, still not peeing, and we started to see the effects of this – he was beginning to really swell. We kind of knew that the bleeding had not completely stopped internally because we also saw his color start to change, and over the next week pink became purple became this ghastly dark color. Since he wasn’t peeing, fluid was building up in his body tissues as well, and you tried to find the easiest places to look each day – hands and feet usually didn’t look quite as swollen and were kind of pink, even if it was just the glow of the pulse-ox monitor. Reagan called him the Incredible Hulk, and I teased him about being ‘swol’ and we just tried to keep the mood positive when we were with John. That Friday, I came in and started crying as the nurse said he had some pee in his catheter. I really hoped this was the beginning of a miraculous turnaround and he would start peeing rivers, but that day didn’t come. The next few days were filled with everything from a horrific scare where the doctor called us at home and told us to get there as soon as possible because John was bleeding from his abdomen and they couldn’t stop it (thank you prayer partners, because by the time we got there that day, the bleeding had stopped) to a wonderfully peaceful first Mother’s Day – and each day he was just a bit more swollen, a bit more discolored, but still peeing just the tiniest amounts and still fighting as hard as any parent could ever ask their child to fight. We believed that he would be one of those miracle babies and hoped each day to see a dramatic improvement in his condition.

That final day when we called in the morning, they told me that Reagan should come down with me, and we knew things weren’t good. We got there and his blood pressure mean was only 6; they wanted mid 20s for a low reading, so he was really bottoming out. The swelling was so extreme that he was oozing fluid out of his skin, and it was making no indent in his swelling. We got there around 11, and we spent the next six hours watching the blood pressure slowly drop and his heart rate slowly drop until a little after 5 when the heart rate plummeted from the 130s to under 100 beats per minute. The doctor came and gave him an epinephrine shot with no effect, and we all agreed chest compressions would just be cruel.

This is when I got to hold my son for the first and only time in his life. It might be one of the most beautiful, yet saddest, moments of my life. They told us that often, a baby’s heart rate will rebound when being held by the mother, and I hoped my bond with John would have that effect. It did, and we had this wonderful moment of holding him and seeing a good heart rate, even though we knew it was his final moments. Reagan and I both gave him a kiss on the forehead, and Reagan told him that he was going to be in a better place and with God and all the grandparents he was named for…you know, at the time, it was such a sad moment – we were praying for a miracle and this was not what we had in mind. Looking back on it, it was such a beautiful moment because it was the one time I got to hold him.

THREE POINTS as I’m going to have to wrap-up story time for today and talk about my sweet Hallie tomorrow.

1 - The amazing thing I realized with both my children is how beautiful they were to me – that all I saw was my child that I loved. That love colored my vision and even when they were at their absolute worst, I found their beauty and was filled with love. I have to believe that’s how God feels about us. We all have our ‘discolorations’ and we all swell up with awful sinful thoughts from time to time, but God still sees His beautiful children when He looks at us. I had a Sunday school teacher a few years ago who talked about our “Jesus suits” – we all wear them all the time and God just sees perfect Jesus when He looks at us – how awesome is that! The love a parent has for their children must just be a fraction of God’s great love for us, and the greatness of that love is just beyond my comprehension.

2 – For anyone who has lost a child and suffers from the thoughts that no person can possibly understand what they are going through, I’m going to say you are right. I have found each person handles this experience completely differently and you can find comfort in knowing that there are others like you, but you also can feel isolated because the experience is unique for each of us. HOWEVER, one thing that brought me tremendous comfort when we lost John was knowing that GOD KNEW my pain – God lost his son as well, and when you lose a child and cannot make sense of how an innocent life is taken, KNOW that God also lost an innocent child and He knows your heart and is loving you through it.

3 – Even though John’s little life was so short, please see all the miracles that we see within that time frame. There was a first week full of success stories and positive reports and a mom and dad beaming with pride. Every good thing was a gift from God. And then there were the absolute miracles – the answers to prayer giving us time to come to grips with the best thing for John being for miraculous healing that took him to heaven. There was the night the bleeding started and clear doubt that he would make it through that night. There was his ability to start peeing again even with all that his little body was suffering from. There was the call that he had started bleeding from the abdomen, only to arrive and find out a clot had come loose and he was doing better. There was a peaceful Mother’s Day where no one said anything negative about my son to me and let me enjoy what little successes he was having that day. There was the day before he passed when Mom and I saw his blood pressure plummet only to be brought back up and have him hang on. And there was the ability for Reagan and I to be there with him when he passed away - and to not have to make a decision to take him off machines or anything – God took him and it was obvious that was what happened. It may seem so odd that I felt such peace and also such love from God at that time; I knew God was doing what was best for our son.

More tomorrow - like I said, I apologize if I start out rambling away…I just love to share these stories because I so clearly see God in each one of them. John was only 16 days old when he passed away, but each day of his life was a statement about the power and glory of God – how many of us can pick 16 days of our life and say that about them? He inspired me to want God to show in every part of my life story.

Thanks for reading and letting my children live on not just in my memory, but now in your memory as well.

1st Entry

I was getting ready to change my daughter’s diaper, and I had a moment of elation when I looked and saw she was peeing…nonstop urine coming drip by precious drip. I was so excited and put a little cloth down on her so that she wouldn’t wet her bed while I was getting the new diaper. I rubbed her head, that soft peach fuzz that is so precious on sweet babies. As sweet as it was, I could feel the swollen skin underneath. Reagan had shared his dream from the weekend – Hallie was dying and this time she was old enough to talk to him through it. Was my dream going to turn into the same? There was one way to tell. I put my finger into her tiny hand, and my heart leapt as her precious fingers curled around and squeezed with all her might…she was there with me and the tight grip simply meant “hustle up, Mom, and get that clean diaper.”

And then I woke up – the happy moment was just a dream. And I realized I would never feel that squeeze again or that soft peach fuzzy head, and then I cried and felt that feeling I get so often that something had been ripped out of my body. And then I took time to remember.

Hello everyone. My name is Kate Kinser, and I have been asked to start a blog for over a year now. I have put it off, sticking to e-mail to share the journey of the past year and where God is leading me now. But as I start to read more and more blogs myself, I realize that if I claim I have something worth saying to the masses, then this is as good a way as any to get it out there. I do hope to reach a publisher somewhere – or at least organize my own thoughts to present to a publisher someday. I’m sure it’ll take me a little while to get used to this, so bear with me if I start out a little bit rambly. There are really three things under an umbrella of one that will form the basis of this blog.

The first is to share about my children and all that happened over the past year. EXACTLY a year ago today, I had my first spotting related to my first pregnancy. Two months and a day prior to that, my husband, Reagan, and I had done IVF and were overjoyed to end up pregnant with twins. The first trimester seemed to be going fairly smoothly and then the tiniest bit of spotting. A year ago, we went to the doctor and the bleeding stopped, the ultrasound showed two of the cutest babies – one sleeping and one doing flips, and we thought we’d just had a little hiccup and everything would be fine…three months and one day later, I gave birth to our precious John & Hallie – at just 24 ½ weeks gestation. And four months and one day after that, Hallie went to be with her twin brother in heaven. I will be using this blog to share my reflections as this year progresses.

The second thing I want to share about is our continued journey to raising children. John & Hallie taught us how much we want to have babies in our home and raise them to be healthy adults. As we undergo the patience producer of trying to adopt, as we weigh our options with frozen embryos, fresh IVF cycles, and process genetic tests and tests on my body to determine if we are even able to successfully have full-term babies, I want to share this journey that more women than I ever would have expected go through. I wish someone had let me know growing up that having babies isn’t just something you decide to do and it happens, and I find one of the greatest things that has strengthened me in my own journey is hearing the trials and triumphs of others.

All of the things I share will have one common goal – to show God and His mighty work in my life and in the lives of my children. My hope is to draw people closer to Him – to show a good, loving God that will make others desire to know Him more. Through successes, through struggles, through the happiest times, through heartbreak, through His provisions and His taking away, I want to praise the name of the Lord and show His loving presence in every step of life. I love God so much, and since I can’t figure out how to get on my roof to shout about it, you’ll hear about it here.

I’d love to share a life verse of some sort in my first blog entry, but I don’t really have one – I have a life book which is the Bible. Scripture will definitely be a part of this blog, and so today, I’m going to start with something that jumped out at me as Reagan and I try to read through the Bible this year. We are up to the story of Moses parting the Red Sea and the people are afraid of the Egyptians closing in on them. In Exodus 14, God tells Moses that this is happening so that He can ‘GAIN GLORY” through Pharoah, the chariots and the horsemen. He allows His chosen people to be frightened, then kills thousands of people, and it is all for His glory. I’ve definitely had my share of bad things that I brought on myself, and I’ve had my share of bad things that fit into the ‘life isn’t fair’ category, and unfortunately, I’m pretty sure more will come through the years. The beautiful thing is that they all fall into the category of ‘things that can bring God glory’ based on how I handle them.

Please take a little time each day and I hope that as I see the blessings in my journey that you will see them too, and maybe it will help you see the blessings in your own journey as well. I have always felt we all have a story to tell, and I have realized this past year just how true that statement is – except our stories are all really God’s stories, and it is one of the best ways we can give back to Him – by sharing His work in our lives and praying and praising with one another each step of the way.