Back in the groove of praising a patient God

Okay, I am going to have to be a little better at time management to get on here daily. We had a wonderful time celebrating Mom & Dad's anniversary over the weekend, but it got me a little behind on my schoolwork and so I missed my daily entries! I have had so much I want to say in the past few days. Last night, I started writing just a ‘get to know me’ message, and I will get that up here soon. I also have promised to talk about my sweet Hallie, and I just don’t know where to begin with that precious girl – to share how amazing she was and how strong she was and how she showed God in so many ways to as many people as she possibly could. I want to continue reflecting on what God has taught me through them, and I want to share about what God is teaching me right now, and I guess that’s where I’ll go for the day to get back into some daily entries.

As I mentioned in my first post, Reagan and I are reading through the Bible this year and we are currently in Exodus. This morning, we were discussing the time when Moses went up on the mountain to get the Ten Commandments, and the people got restless because he was gone for ‘too long’ and they had Moses’ brother, Aaron, create a golden calf as an idol to worship. God was so frustrated with His people that He told Moses He was going to destroy them again, but Moses pleaded with God, and God showed the people mercy. Here are some of the things that we noticed in this story:

- God had JUST spoken the Ten Commandments to the people; they are eating and drinking based on miracles like bread from heaven and water from rocks, and yet, when God is not in their face, they turn to worry and seek a tangible god to worship
- God appears to ‘change His mind’ based on Moses’ pleading – but isn’t God unchanging? God promised Noah that He would never destroy the people again, so what is this story? If God knew He was going to spare the Israelites, then did Moses really need to plead with Him? Bringing this forward, if God is going to do what He’s going to do, then why do we need to pray for things?

How much are all of us like the Israelites in this story? I am confident that all of us have seen God work in mighty ways, and if you are a believer, you have recognized it as that – God’s awesome power in your life or the life of others. Reagan and I getting pregnant after all that time…and for things to go so smoothly with the IVF procedure. Then, we had our first little hiccup with ovarian hyperstimulation and I was forced to be on bedrest early on in the pregnancy. I am such a restless person, and yet I had no problem laying there on the couch for those babies – that was a miracle. The babies were miracles. Yet, when I started the bleeding with the pregnancy, my mind did not immediately go into ‘Trust in the Lord with all your heart” – instead, worries went through my head constantly and I did internet searches trying to get more information or explanations. I worried so much in those 12 weeks of on and off bleeding; the only thing that would calm me down was prayer and reading the Bible, but each day would take hours to get my head off worry and onto God.

I’m not proud of how I worried, but I do pray that I am less dense than the Israelites and have learned a lesson going forward. I like to think that I have at least a little bit, because I feel I ‘gave’ John and Hallie, Hallie especially, over to God and trusted His plans more. Whether it be a baby we have through adoption and/or using one of our frozen embryos, I do pray that I give ALL things over to God and trust His presence regardless of circumstances.

The second point that Reagan and I discussed in that story was God ‘changing His mind’ – I don’t think that happened as much as God was making a point through the story. I believe God knew He would not deliberately destroy the Israelites, and I believe this story gives us a chance to see the power in communicating with God. It encourages us to talk with Him and be a part of what He is doing. As Reagan asked, if we aren’t really changing the outcomes, then why is this necessary? And I think the obvious answer is it changes the outcomes for us because we see those outcomes as God at work. I think there is also the aspect that God wants us to share our lives with Him – He can know everything about it, but He WANTS a relationship with us and for us to be as intimate with Him as we are with our dearest friend. Amazing! But more than that, I think God gives us this opportunity to talk with Him so that we know what is happening is from God. How awesome is that – God allows us to be in such close relationship with Him, even after we screw up over and over again…He is always there waiting for us to share our hearts and to allow Him to reveal things in His perfect timing.

I really believe that God knows all. Psalm 139 tells us that “all the days are written in His book before one of them comes to pass.” Reagan struggled praying for Hallie after John passed away. He prayed believing in miracles for John to recover, and if God was going to do what He was going to do, what was the point in praying for healing that wouldn’t come? We know that John & Hallie were both prayed for more than we can even imagine, and that there were a lot of prayers that they would be healthy and happy children in our home someday. Why pray all those prayers if we both had a feeling that Hallie would be joining John sooner than we had wanted? I believe the answer is because it was our hearts and because in praying those prayers, when Hallie did pass away, I was filled with such peace that it was God’s plan. I had comfort knowing that Scripture – that God had planned her days as they were, and I had comfort knowing that He was in the final outcome. Because of the constant communication with God, I knew He was holding my children in His loving arms, and it also has allowed me to look back on their lives with a Godly perspective - looking to see how He was present with them all along. As I start to share more about sweet Hallie, you will see the relationship between our prayers and God at work, and it is just an awesome look at the power and love and miraculous nature of our wonderful God.

Hopefully, I will start Hallie time tomorrow. In the meantime, please be in prayer for us…we are praying for an adoption to happen in the coming months and we are also seriously considering using our frozen embryos as we get more and more information that supports doing so. I keep looking for this ‘lightning bolt’ sign, but God is not flashing the neon ‘use your embryos’ – but there is a noticeable lack of stop signs when we expect them. As we continue to pray, I do feel the discernment to make a clear decision will come and we appreciate your prayers as well. Some of you tease us that we will end up with a house full of children, and let me assure you, we won’t complain if that’s God’s plan as well…God’s plan being the key words there.